


Judge Not

by NerdsbianHokie



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, closeted Maggie, sick!fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2019-10-19 18:37:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17606765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdsbianHokie/pseuds/NerdsbianHokie
Summary: A bruiseA billboard.An intersection of lives.





	1. preach all you want but who's gonna save me

**Author's Note:**

> This idea for this came, initially, when I was driving a long distance and kept seeing small billboards on farms, and it ended up with this after a few other au ideas decided to join in. It is, uh, not a light, happy fic.  
> At all.  
> I hope y'all enjoy

The crack of the slamming screen door rang through the house. Maggie flinched, hunched further over her bowl of cereal.

She did her best to tune out her father's cursing as he stormed through the house, but each word hit hard. The rage, the slurs, digging deep in her mind and holding on tight.

She flinched again as he burst into the kitchen.

“They're escalating,” he growled. “Putting their own stuff up.”

He disappeared into his office, his grumbling setting an unease through the kitchen. Maggie glanced up, taking in the tense line of her mother's shoulders as she put Maggie's lunch together.

Maggie was cleaning her bowl when he reappeared, slamming a paper on the table as he passed on his way further into the house.

Maggie crept forward, looking at the picture upside-down.

The two figures were dressed in all black, nearly blending into the background. Except - she squinted, shifted the picture a bit - one of their shirts had risen, revealing a bright orange tattoo.

Footsteps sounded warning of her father's return. Maggie jerked away from the table, took the bagged from her mother, busied herself with her backpack. She slung it over her shoulder and was out the kitchen as quickly as possible.

Fresh snow crunched beneath her sneakers as she made her way to her bus stop. She hunched into herself doing her best to keep warm despite the sharp wind funneled through the trees lining the long driveway to the county road. It cut through her leggings, through the winter coat she had gotten two years ago.

The bus was already there, waiting for her. The doors opened as she approached.

“You’re early today,” Marge said.

Maggie shrugged, made her way to her usual seat at the back of the bus. She sat with her back against the window, feet up on the seat next to her. She pulled her sketchbook out before setting her bag on the floor.

Flipping through - past nature scenes and animal sketches and half hearted attempts at drawing men - she found the next blank page, pulled the mechanical pencil from where it was clipped to the metal spiral.

The basis of the drawing was easy, one she had drawn over and over.

The field - empty for now after the latest harvest.

The road - piles of snow left on the edges from the plow.

The billboard - blank.

She glanced up every few moments, keeping track of where the bus was in the route that circled around the farms north of Blue Springs.

It wasn't long before the bus turned onto 77, heading back into Blue Springs for a few more kids before heading to Wymore.

Maggie stared out the window, waiting for the billboard her father had built on the edge of their property.

She sucked in a breath as it passed by.

The latest message put up by their church had been painted over like each one had been the last few months. This time, however, it wasn't just splashes of black.

Sprayed across the black, stretching diagonally from corner to corner, was a rainbow. White letters beneath it read _Matthew 7:1._

Maggie stared at her sketchbook, at the blank billboard.

Her stomach twisted, her heart pounded. Revulsion, excitement, fear, understanding chased each other around her head.

“You going to let me sit?”

Maggie jumped, ignored the warmth in her stomach as Eliza laughed. She shifted so she was sitting upright and Eliza could sit next to her.

“Just a few more weeks, and we'll never have to ride the bus again,” Eliza said as she set her bag on the floor, leaned heavily against Maggie's side.

“You're sure you're getting a car for your birthday?” Maggie asked. She focused on continuing the drawing to keep from focusing on the scent of body wash.

“Positive. They got my sister one when she turned eighteen, so they're definitely going to get me one.”

Maggie hummed, nodded. She shaded each line of the rainbow differently to represent the different colors despite only having her pencil.

“Bandits struck again, huh?” Eliza asked, watching her work.

“Yeah.”

“Bet your dad's pissed.” She shifted, pressing closed to Maggie. “Is that a rainbow?”

Maggie nodded.

“Bet he's really pissed.” Eliza slumped back in the seat. “You think it's the lez?”

Maggie shook her head, started to doodle in the corner of the paper. “This all started before she moved here.”

“Well, what about the other one? Lucy? I haven't heard for sure that she's gay, but she and Alex sure are close.”

Maggie shrugged. “Maybe.” She squinted at the doodle - some surfboard thing - then scribbled over it.

“You should tell your dad, maybe the cops can look into them.”

“There's no proof.” Maggie closed her sketchbook, pulled her bag onto her lap. “Besides, if it is them, are they really doing anything wrong?”

Eliza scoffed. “Anything wrong? It's vandalism, Mag. Plus, if they’re spreading their lies they need to be stopped.”

Maggie nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. You’re right.” She slipped her book into her bag, ignored the revulsion that flowed through her at Eliza’s words.

The bus stopped. Everybody stood, ready to get off.

“They’re in your weight training class, right?”

Maggie followed Eliza out of their seat. “Who?”

Eliza sent her an exasperated look. “The lesbians. Honestly, Mag, keep up.”

“Oh, yeah. They are.”

Eliza’s response wasn’t any different than any time she brought up the class. “Don't you think it's wrong for them to take PE as an elective? I mean, you shouldn't have to share a locker room with them.”

Maggie shrugged. If she didn't respond, Eliza would eventually move to a different topic, hopefully one less likely to make Maggie want to crawl under a rock.

The topic ended up being a movie Eliza had seen a commercial for the previous night.

“Because my sister was watching Disney Channel, not me,” she insisted. “But the lead guy, Zac something, is really cute.”

Maggie tried to pay attention as Eliza started talking about other actors, but the old information did nothing for her. They made their way into the school, through the halls, slipping into the bathroom.

Eliza wrapped her fingers around Maggie’s wrist, pulled her to the dull mirror, finding the least warped section. She continued to talk as she started their routine of Maggie using Eliza’s makeup as Eliza leaned against the wall and gushed about her crush.

It was currently Brad Maier, a boy who had graduated the year before and went to work at the fire department. She was telling a story about how she had seen him working out over the weekend when they left the bathroom.

“What about you?” Eliza asked as they reached their lockers.

“What about me?” Maggie asked.

Eliza groaned. “Crushes, Mag.”

Maggie eyed the pictures of Chad Michael Murray and Peter from the Narnia movie tapped in the door of Eliza’s locker, glanced at her own pictures of Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastain.

“Honestly,” Eliza continued. “The way you act sometimes worries me.”

“What do you mean?”

Eliza leaned towards her, glanced up and down the hall before whispering. “Sometimes, you act a little weird, and I don’t know what to think, but I’m worried people might talk.”

Maggie’s stomach dropped, her heart race, but years of hiding helped get keep it hidden.

“Fuck off, El. You know my parents don't want me dating, so why bother?”

“You can still have crushes, even if you can't date. Besides, nobody ever said you had to tell your parents if you do get a boyfriend.”

Maggie rolled her eyes, zipped her bag up after slipping some textbooks inside. “This? Again?”

“All I'll say is, Kenneth in English has asked me three times now if you'd go out with him.”

“I don't like Kenneth.”

“Then who do you like?”

The list she had created ages ago spun through her mind before slamming to a halt.

“Will.”

“St. Cloud?”

Maggie shrugged. “He's funny.”

“He's weird.”

“This is why I didn't tell you before.” She closed her locker with more force than necessary, slung her bag back into her shoulder and started down the hall before Eliza could reply.

Which she did anyway after catching up to Maggie.

“Okay, he isn't that weird.” Eliza nudged Maggie with her shoulder. “I'm sure I can find out if he likes you too.”

“My parents, El.”

“It'll be a complete secret, I promise.”

The warning bell rang.

“I gotta get across the school for science,” Maggie said. “See you at lunch?”

“Course, and maybe I'll have some intel for you by then.”

“I'll keep my fingers crossed.”

Eliza let out a small squeal and pulled her into a quick hug. “It'll be great, I promise.”

“It'll be great,” Maggie echoed, hoping her smile looked more real than it was.

The knot in her gut tightened, pulled her attention from her science class, from her English class after. She was thrilled when it came time for weight training. She could put all of her focus and anxiety into her workout, not with about anything else.

Except…

She couldn't help but glance at the pair in the corner as she entered the locker room.

Alex was already changed into her gym clothes and sweats and tying her long hair back, but Lucy was pulling her shirt off, revealing smooth skin and a pink bra and...no.

Maggie forced her gaze to the floor, made her way to her locker with her head down. She grabbed her gym clothes, and headed for the bathroom to change in the stall. They were gone by the time she was finished.

Once in the weight room, she was finally able to let the anxiety seep away, to relax. She focus on the burn of her muscles, on what the next step in her off-season routine was, in the slight weight increase she added to her sets.

When the soccer coach pulled her aside to talk about her possibly being captain in the upcoming season and give her some papers to look over, she had let herself relax further, expecting the locker room to be empty.

It wasn't.

“You should tell your mom about this.”

Maggie froze, pressed against the wall separating the door from the lockers. The papers her coach had given her crumpled slightly in her grip.

“Tell her what? Hey, mom, got this bruise the other day, just thought you’d want to know.”

“She would.”

“She’d freak out, drag me to the doctor for a full test, and not let me leave the house for a week. It’s just a bruise, Luce. People get bruises.”

“Alex.”

“Plus, then I’d have to tell her how I got it, and I don’t want to deal with that either.”

“Because telling an adult that you’re being bullied is exactly the wrong thing, right?”

“It isn’t bullying.”

“He pushed you into a wall and called you a dyke. How is that not bullying?”

Maggie swallowed. She took a few steps backwards, kicked the door to alert them, then started forward again, pretending to read the papers, only getting as far as ‘possible return players’ before turning around the wall.

She looked over, despite herself, only to shrink back under the glares sent her way.

She let out a weak “sorry” as she stepped to her locker just a few feet from them. She glanced towards them after opening her locker.

In a reversal from before class, Lucy was already changed into her regular clothes, while Alex had only gotten as far as taking her gym shirt off.

A dark purple bruise covered most of her shoulder.

Maggie tried to focus on her own stuff, but froze at the tattoo on Alex’s hip.

An awareness ribbon shaped into a surfboard. A bright orange ribbon.

“Can I help you?”

Maggie jumped, looked up at Alex’s face for a moment, then to her locker. Not even bothering with the bathroom stall, she was changed and gone before the pair left.

She made her way to the cafeteria in a daze. Alex and Lucy were the ones painting over the billboard, that much was clear, but it was the rest of what she had heard that kept running around her mind.

She had known people said stuff about Alex and Lucy, said stuff to them, but she hadn't realized it ever got physical.

Which was stupid of her, really.

She slipped into the cafeteria right before the bell rang, ignored the look she got from the security guard, and made her way to her usual seat with Eliza.

“You okay?” Eliza asked after Maggie sat.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You just seem off.”

Maggie shrugged.

Eliza shifted closer. “I’m sorry, about this morning.”

Maggie raised an eyebrow.

“I know you’re straight, I’m just worried about what people might say, especially now that there are actual gay students here. It’s on their minds, you know.”

Maggie nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

“Anyway, tell me what you like about Will.”

Maggie started to list off the reasons she had complied months ago.

He was funny, smart, a good guy.

She didn’t say that he was also unthreatening, did not come with any risk of Eliza also having a crush on him, and Maggie only had one class with him.

“I hear he’s applying to UNL,” Eliza said when Maggie trailed off. “Just like you. Even though you insist on actually listening to your parents about not dating, maybe if you both end up there…”

She grinned at Maggie.

“Maybe,” Maggie agreed. “That’d be cool.” She toyed with the crust of her sandwich. “But you know UNL is low on my list.”

“I know, but maybe this’ll bump it up and my best friend won’t end up moving to another state.”

“It’s not like I’d never come back. Besides, college is still ages away, El. We haven’t even finished applying, let alone hear back from anyone.”

“It’s less than a year, Mag, that’s not ages away.”

“True. I just really want to get out of here.”

“Blue Springs really isn't all that bad, you know.”

Maggie grimaced. It was an old argument between them.

Eliza would be content to stay in Blue Springs and eventually take over her father’s shop. Maggie had dreamed of leaving for years and it seemed like the closer that day got, the slower time moved.

“But,” Eliza continued. “It would be worse without you.”

Maggie ducked her head, unsure of how to respond to that.

Eliza quickly turned the conversation to her latest Spanish project, trying, as always, to get Maggie’s help on it.

As always, Maggie gave in, inviting her over to work on it after school.

Which was how she found herself, hours later and makeup gone, sitting at the kitchen table with Eliza as her father walked in with a large box.

“You have a project of your own, Mr. Rodas?” Eliza asked, eager to focus on anything but Spanish.

He set the box on the table, a familiar metallic rattling from inside sent chills down Maggie's spine. He opened the top flaps, and pulled out a fox snare.

“I didn't know we were having a fox problem,” Maggie said. She hated the snares, but was hoping they were meant for foxes this time. His response made her blood freeze.

“We have a different pest to take care of.”

“Dad, that's… What if they get hurt?”

“Then they shouldn't be on our land.” He put the snare back. “We have signs up for a reason.”

“Besides, Mag,” Eliza spoke up. “Those shouldn't hurt them much. Bobby got caught in one a few years back, barely bruised him.”

“They’ll just slow them long enough for me to catch them,” Maggie's father continued.

“Catch them?”

“Steve is putting a new sign up now. I'm going to camp out until I catch them in the act.”

Maggie looked down at Eliza's project, mind already racing, trying to figure out her options. By the time she was sneaking out of her bedroom window that night, she had a tentative plan.

She would warn them at school the next day, and keep an eye on her father that night. With luck, they wouldn’t even know about the new ad yet.

The night was uneventful and she arrived at school the next day fending off Eliza’s question about why she was so tired.

She struggled to stay awake during her first few classes, then wasn't able to speak to Alex or Lucy during gym.

She managed to grab a quick nap during lunch, giving Eliza an excuse of staying up all night for homework. Despite the nap, she couldn't focus during Gov.

She spent the entire class either glancing at Lucy every few moments, or adamantly not looking at her. She worked her nerve up during the class, writing a note in the last few minutes.

_Meet me in the locker rooms after school. There's something you need to know. - Maggie R._

After her last class, Maggie made her way to the locker room, to the section in the far back.

First, she paced, running through what she wanted to say over and over.

Then, she slumped on the bench, stared at the clock on the wall.

Finally, when it was clear they weren’t going to show, she pulled her sketchbook out of her bag, resigned to entertaining herself until the activity buses arrived.

She stared at the lockers across from her, pencil tracing absent patterns across the paper. She closed her eyes, leaned back against the lockers.

Smooth skin and soft curves and the faintest hint of unflexed muscles.

What it would be like to touch, to kiss, to be able to look without fear or guilt.

Maggie opened her eyes. She looked around, then moved so she was sitting with her back to the corner. The fall sports season had just ended, so nobody else should be using the locker room, but just in case, to be safe.

And she drew.

Light at first, sketches to guide her.

Lines. Circles. Basic shapes.

A body.

A second body

Firmer lines.

Details.

Soft curves.

Hinted at muscles.

Bras and jeans and hair.

Laughter from the hall pulled her attention from the drawing.

She froze, pencil hovering above paper until the voices faded.

She looked down at the drawing, guilt overpowering her. She quickly shut the book, threw it into her bag, and all but ran out of the locker room.


	2. pushing on the pedal til i break dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You ready?” Alex asked, holding out a can of spray paint.  
> Lucy grinned, pulled the mask up, and took the can. “Let’s do this,” she said before turning to get out of the car.

Lucy pulled her car to the side of the road, flicked the headlights off even as she reached up and pressed the roof light on.

Alex turned around, reached into the back of the car for the bag. The cans inside clinked as it moved.

“Here,” Alex said, passing over a half ski mask.

Lucy took it, slipped it over her head, letting it hang around her neck. She watched Alex take stock of their paint.

Her already pale skin looked pasty under the roof light.

The concern knotted in Lucy’s stomach loosened as Alex looked to her, smirked.

“You ready?” Alex asked, holding out a can of spray paint.

Lucy grinned, pulled the mask up, and took the can. “Let’s do this,” she said before turning to get out of the car.

She was stopped, however, by Alex’s hand on her shoulder turning her back around.

A brief kiss over their masks, then a knit hat pulled over her head.

“You’ll give me hat hair, nerd,” Lucy said, adjusting the hat.

“Better than frostbite on the ears,” Alex countered.

Lucy rolled her eyes but didn’t argue that it wasn’t that cold yet.

They climbed out of the car and started down the road, shoulders knocking every few steps.

“You know what you’re going to do?” Alex asked.

Lucy hummed. She had been thinking it over since seeing the new bullshit on the billboard.

“You think you could paint a skateboard?” Alex asked.

“On the billboard?”

“What? No. Like, paint something on a skateboard.”

Lucy scoffed. “Yeah. I can do that.”

Alex nodded. “Cool.” She kicked at a rock.

“I’ll paint you a skateboard,” Lucy said. She laughed at Alex’s soft _yes._

“I wish we weren’t in fucking BFE. I’d so get you to paint a surfboard for me if we were close to the ocean.”

Lucy licked her lips at the thought of Alex surfing.

They crossed a small road.

“What would you want on the skateboard?” Lucy asked.

Alex shrugged. “Surprise me.”

They reached the billboard. Alex went silent as she stared up at the message glued there. Lucy kept her eyes down; she was going to have to stare at it enough while painting.

“I hate this place,” Alex growled. “It’s fucked up and backwards and the people here are fucked up and backwards and it’s all…”

“Hey.” Lucy stepped in front of Alex, hand on her cheek to pull her focus down. The lights on the billboard made Alex’s eyes glint between the ski mask and knit hat. “We’ve got less than a year in this place, then we’re gone, and fuck our parents if they try to make us come back.”

Alex let out a weak laugh.

“Alright. You ready?” Lucy asked.

Alex nodded. “Let’s do this.”

Alex loaded her pockets with cans, then knelt down so Lucy could climb, black can already in hand, onto her shoulders.

“Ready?”

“Ready.”

Alex lifted her up, getting her close enough to spray.

Lucy let herself zone out, trying to ignore the message on the billboard, just seeing it as background to be covered. With each pass, it was smaller, was less visible, was still as heavy.

“Hey!”

Lucy froze. Alex’s fingers dug into her leg.

“Got you!”

“Fuck. Down, down, down, down, down,” Lucy rushed, trying to keep herself from falling off of Alex’s shoulders in panic.

Alex dropped to her knee, let Lucy climb off, then stood, grabbing her hand, and pulling her away.

They only made it a few steps, barely hitting their stride, when their hands were pulled apart. Lucy stumbled to a stop, blood freezing as Alex let out a pained cry. She turned back, rushing to Alex’s side.

“Something’s got my leg. Something’s got me. I don’t know what, but…” Alex shook her leg, tried to pull it towards her, but didn’t get far.

“Don’t bother running! It’s too late!”

Lucy looked around, frantically trying to figure out where the man was even as she felt down Alex’s leg. She looked down when she felt wire around Alex’s ankle.

“Lucy,” Alex gasped.

“We’ll be okay,” Lucy said, trying to loosen the wire, fingers numb from the cold.

“Lucy,” Alex repeated.

Her fingers slipped on the metal. “It’s not…” she shook her head. “I can’t get it.”

Crunching and crashing mixed with the pounding in her ears, with the buzzing as the world spun and narrowed.

Hands pushed hers out of the way, deft fingers pulling the wire off of Alex.

“He’s almost here, we need to move.”

And Alex was on her feet and they were running and running and running.

Lucy stayed a step behind Alex as they followed their rescuer across the field, the road, under a broken fence.

They ran and ran and ran.

And stopped.

A barn was between them and the Rodas field. A flickering light swung above them.

Lucy bent over, catching her breath. She glanced at Alex to make sure she was okay, then turned to see who had rescued them.

Lucy blinked, stared.

Maggie.

She was hovering a few feet back, arms around herself.

“Fuck,” Alex growled, pulled Lucy's attention back.

She has slumped to the ground, back against a fence post, leg bent as she inspected her knee.

Lucy knelt next to her, ignored the wet seeping into her pants. “Alex?”

There was a tear in her jeans, revealing a mix of brown and red.

“Must’ve fallen on a rock,” Alex said with a grunt.

“We need to get back to the car,” Lucy said, helping Alex stand.

“I can try to distract him,” Maggie spoke up.

Alex tensed against Lucy's side. “What, you couldn't stop him from leaving traps for us?”

Maggie's flinch was barely visible in the faint light.

“I tried to warn you,” she said, voice desperate. “But you ignored me each time.”

Lucy thought to each note she had gotten from Maggie that week, asking to meet with them.

“Why should we have trusted you?” Alex pushed, stepping towards Maggie. She stepped forward again as Maggie floundered. “Tell me. Why?”

Maggie just ducked her head, squeezed herself. “I'll go distract him.” She took a step, then looked back at them. She stared for a few moments. “I'm sorry.”

And she was gone, around the corner of the barn.

Lucy stared at where she had vanished for a moment, briefly missing the friendship she had struck with Maggie over the summer, then stepped to Alex.

“We need to go,” she softly said. “How’s your leg.”

“I’ll make it to the car,” Alex said.

Lucy’s heart squeezed. She hadn’t heard that tone from Alex in a while, that anger so close to defeat.

Their way to the car was quiet and tense and punctuated by the occasional shout in the direction of the Rodas farm. Lucy paused when the reached the car. She looked back towards the farm, torn between driving off and going back to try and do something to help Maggie.

Her choice was made when sirens filled the air. She slid into the car and - after a quick look around to make sure no cops were close enough to notice them - drove off.

They were silent as Lucy drove, taking the long way until they were driving into Wymore from the south.

Alex let out a sigh as Lucy parked in front of her house.

The driveway was empty.

Alex’s mom was spending the night at the lab again.

Lucy followed Alex inside, up the stairs, to the bathroom, boots and coats left in a trail behind them.

Alex pulled her jeans off without hesitation. She sat on the toilet, propped her foot up on the edge of the tub.

“There’s a first aid kit under the sink,” she said from behind the curtain of hair falling forward as she pulled her hat off and tossed it aside.

Lucy pulled the kit out, set it on the counter before grabbing a towel and soaking it. She stepped over Alex’s leg to sit on the edge of the tub. She started to wipe off the blood and mud.

“This looks bad,” she said.

Alex took a shuddering breath. “It’s fine.”

“It doesn’t look fine.”

Lucy’s nose wrinkled as she looked at the mess of her knee. “Get in the tub.”

Alex raised an eyebrow. “You propositioning me, Lane?”

“Just get in the damn tub,” Lucy said as she rolled her eyes.

Alex’s smirk was ruined by a wince as she climbed into the tub.

Lucy turned the knob, letting cold water fall onto Alex’s feet, onto the already formed bruise wrapping around her ankle.

Alex yelped, jerked away from the water. Lucy laughed, nearly falling into the tub herself.

“Fuck, Lucy. A little warning would be nice.”

Lucy slid down so she was kneeling next to the tub, forehead pressed to the edge.

“Lucy,” Alex whined.

“How did you not see that coming?” Lucy asked after catching her breath. She pulled herself up to sit on the toilet.

“I didn’t think you’d just blast me.”

“You know me better than that.”

Alex sighed. “Yeah. I do.” She reached her leg out, stuck a toe into the water. She leaned forward, started to cup the water with her hands to wash off her knee.

Lucy grabbed the first aid kit, starting to get supplies ready.

“Lucy.” Alex’s voice was low, void of emotion.

Lucy froze, looked up.

Alex was staring at her knee, face pale. “It’s still bleeding. It hasn’t clotted.”

Lucy’s stomach dropped. “Maybe you just reopened it?”

Alex nodded. “Yeah. I’m sure I just…”

“Alex?”

They both turned.

Kara was in the doorway, arms crossed as she leaned on the jam. “Eliza said you were supposed to be home ages ago.”

“We got held up,” Alex said.

“Clearly.” Kara stepped forward, glanced in the tub. “What happened to your knee?”

“I fell.” Alex huffed. “Do you need something? Or can you leave me alone?”

Kara rolled her eyes. “I’ll go, don’t want to interrupt your weird best friend time or anything.”

Lucy tensed.

“Get the fuck out of here,” Alex growled.

“Fine, but you’re on your own for dinner, I already ate what Eliza left for us because you were late getting home.” Kara left, closing the door behind her.

Alex slumped back against the tub. She closed her eyes for a moment before looking at Lucy.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“You don’t need to apologize for your sister.”

“Yeah, but…” she waved her hand aimlessly.

Lucy slid from the toilet, kneeling next to the tub. “And one day,” she continued. “We’ll tell all of them about us.” She grabbed Alex’s hand. “But neither of us are ready for that.”

Alex stared at her with wide eyes for a few moments, then leaned forwards to kiss her.

“Thank you,” she said. “Can we clean my knee now?”

Lucy chuckled. “Yeah.”

They worked together to quickly clean off and disinfect the wound. Once cleaned, it didn’t look as bad as it had, only slightly more than a scrape and finally starting to clot.

Alex got a bandage on it as Lucy cleaned up, grabbed her a towel.

Alex leaned against Lucy as they made their way to her room. Lucy led her to the edge of the bed before moving around the room. She grabbed some pajamas from the dresser, tossing them to Alex.

She discreetly watched as Alex changed, noting the smaller bruises on her sides, legs, arms. She thought back to the last few months, to Alex always being cold, always wearing long sleeve shirts, to headaches Alex always seemed to have.

Lucy looked away as Alex pulled the shirt over her head, screwed her eyes shut.

The signs were there, but it didn’t mean for sure.

She changed as well, into an old pair of sweats and one of Alex’s surfing competition t’s, then turned back to the bed.

Alex was still sitting on the edge, just watching her. Lucy stepped to her, standing between her knees, playing with her hair, curling the ends around her fingers.

“It can’t be back,” Alex whispered. “It can’t be.”

Lucy leaned down, kissed Alex softly, then pressed their foreheads together. Reassurances burned in her throat, but wouldn’t come out.

She couldn't lie to Alex.

Alex curled inwards, head moving to Lucy’s chest, fingers twisting in her shirt. Lucy wrapped her arms around Alex, held her tightly, only moving after a few minutes.

“C’mon,” she murmured. “We should sleep.”

She urged Alex to lay down, climbed over her, and settled between Alex and the wall. Alex pushed into her, head under Lucy’s chin, arms around her waist and holding her close. She pressed her hand flat against Alex’s back, feeling her heartbeat, feeling her breathe.

They lay there, neither falling asleep for well over an hour.

Lucy woke groggy, arms still around Alex, and something sticky on her shirt. She tugged at her shirt, trying to figure out what it was, then froze as the door opened.

Mrs. Danvers walked in, sighed when she noticed Lucy in the bed.

“I guess I should go let your parents know you’re here before they realize you aren’t at your house,” she said, mouth tight.

Lucy groaned, pushed herself further up, grateful that she and Alex had been so physically close with each other when they were just friends. Nobody had any idea of the change in their relationship.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Danvers. When we got home, and you weren’t here, we figured my parents wouldn’t be home either, and I didn’t want to be home alone all night.”

Mrs. Danvers face softened. “Just let us know next time.”

Lucy nodded.

“And you might want to wake Alex up, you all need to leave for school soon.”

“I’m wake,” Alex grunted. She huffed, pushed herself upright.

“Fuck.” Lucy cupped Alex’s face, doing her best to inspect the bloody nose in the dark.

“Lucy?” Mrs. Danvers flipped on the light, stepped further into the room and gasped. “Alex.”

Alex pushed Lucy’s hands off of her. She slid out of the bed. “I’m fine.”

Mrs. Danvers stepped to Alex, taking her face in her hands. “Has this been happening a lot recently?”

Alex brushed her off, too. “I’m fine. It’s just a nosebleed.”

“Is it, Alex? What about those?” Mrs. Danvers gestured down at Alex’s arms where multiple small bruises were visible.

“I’m fine,” Alex said again. “I’m not sick. I just have some bruises and got a nosebleed. That happens sometimes.”

She pushed past her mother, disappearing out the door.

Mrs. Danvers sighed, looked at Lucy, sighed again. “If you want to take a shower, you can leave that shirt on the bed and I’ll come grab it. I should be able to keep it from staining.”

Lucy looked down, sucked in a breath at the blood soaking the fabric across her chest. She nodded.

There were a few moments of silence before Mrs. Danvers spoke again.

“Have you noticed anything else?” she asked, voice quiet, scared.

Lucy looked up at her. For a moment, she considered lying, but...no.

“Last night, she tripped on something, scraped her knee.” She shook her head. “It took way too long to stop bleeding.”

Mrs. Danvers nodded. “I’ll drive you to school when you’re ready.

Lucy squeezed her eyes shut once Mrs. Danvers left. She fought back the tears fear tried to push forward. Not here. Not now. Not until nobody, especially not Alex, could walk in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from All American Rejects Night Drive
> 
> big thanks to everyone for the comments. I'm really excited for this fic, and I'm glad others seem to be as well


	3. won't let them change how we feel in our hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie was almost too busy with her hypotheticals to notice the note dropped on her desk during Gov.
> 
> Meet me in the locker rooms after school. We need to talk. - L.L.

Maggie took the bowl of cereal her mother was holding out as she entered the kitchen.

She glanced at her father, hunched over papers on the table. She stepped close enough to see the pictures of the billboard.

“Did they come again?” she asked, sitting across from him.

He grunted. “And there's a third, helped them get away.”

Maggie's stomach churned. She had evaded her father around the fields, drawing him away from Alex and Lucy, until she had finally been able to sneak back into her room. “Maybe they'll stop, now that they know there're traps up.”

He scoffed. “You can't expect these people to have that kind of sense, mija. They'll be back.”

Maggie nodded, hunched over her cereal.

She couldn’t focus, couldn’t take her mind off of the events the night before. On the bus, her doodles were absent, and she couldn’t hold conversation with Eliza. She knew Eliza was frustrated with her, but Maggie could barely care.

She spent her first two classes doodling, resisting the urge to unfold the page with the drawing of Alex and Lucy.

Fear swelled in her chest as she started towards weight training. She fidgeted with her sketchbook as she made her way down the hall. She turned it over and over in her hands, occasionally stopping and just tapping it with her thumb.

She turned down the athletic hallway, towards the locker room.

The sight of Lucy talking to Mr. Write near the trainers room eased some of her tension. The tension only built up even more, however, when Alex didn’t show up in class.

She spaced out during lunch - to Eliza’s continued annoyance -  her mind building more and more scenarios of why Alex was absent.

Maybe her father had figured her out.

Maybe her knee had been really fucked up and she had to go to the hospital.

Maybe she had gotten injured again on the way to the car.

Maybe it wasn’t related to the previous night.

Maybe she had been abducted by aliens.

Maybe her family was going on a weekend trip and decided to leave on a Friday.

Maggie was almost too busy with her hypotheticals to notice the note dropped on her desk during Gov.

_ Meet me in the locker rooms after school. We need to talk. - L.L. _

She glanced up towards Lucy’s seat, to Lucy's hair brushing against her shoulders and her thumb flying across her phone keys under the table.

She could ignore it, the way they had all of hers. She debated it the rest of the day, but wasn’t surprised when she made her way to the locker room without thought after the final bell rang.

It was empty when she got there. She tossed her bag into the bench and paced.

She wasn't at a loss about what Lucy wanted to talk about, but she had no idea what she was going to say.

After ten minutes with Lucy not showing up, she sat, slumped against the lockers. She stared at the opposite lockers for a moment before pulling her sketchbook from her bag.

A few moments of absent doodles, then…

Eyes, dark and angry. Cloth above and below.

Alex's anger the night before had been terrifying, but unlike her father's anger, Maggie could see the fear and pain behind it.

The door opening made her shut the sketchbook.

Her heart pounded in her ears as footsteps grew closer and closer.

Excuses for why she was inside ran through her mind, all pointless as Lucy peeked around the corner.

Lucy eyed her for a moment, then disappeared back around the lockers. Maggie stood, fiddled with her sketchbook as she waited for Lucy to come back, then hugged it to her chest when Lucy did.

They stared at each other for a few moments.

Maggie took a step forward, started to speak, but Lucy held a finger up, stopping her.

“How did you know it was us?” Lucy asked.

Maggie blinked. “My father has cameras set up around the billboard.”

Lucy’s face blanched.

“He hasn’t got your faces,” Maggie rushed.

“Then how did you know?” Lucy pushed.

“Alex’s tattoo. Her shirt lifted at some point, revealing part of it.”

Lucy closed her eyes, took a deep breath. She shook her head before opening her eyes.

“Why try to warn us? Why help us?”

Maggie swallowed against the lump in her throat. “It was the right thing to do?”

She winced as it came out as a question.

Lucy raised an eyebrow. “Was it?”

“Yeah. Course it was.”

Lucy scoffed.

Anger welled up in Maggie. Her fingers tightened around the edges of her sketchbook as she lowered it to her side.

“I hate that billboard,” she growled. “So why would I turn in the people fucking it up?”

“You hate it, really?”

Maggie stepped towards her, anger rising even more at the disbelief in Lucy’s tone.

“Yeah, I fucking hate it. I hate the bullshit they put on it. I hate having to see it every day. And I hate how people always assume I have the same fucking opinions just because I fucking live there.”

Lucy jaw twitched. “But you believed it enough to ditch us, didn’t you?”

Maggie took a step back, heart pounding again. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Wasn’t it?” Lucy stalked forward. “You decided, just like everyone else in this fucking school, that being friends with the lesbians wasn’t something you want.”

Maggie hugged her sketchbook to her again. “Lucy, it wasn’t…”

“Even if you hate all of that, you still believe it.”

Maggie shook her head, backed up further. “I don’t.”

“I don’t believe that.”

The locker room shrunk, red metal closing in.

“They can’t know,” she forced out. “They can’t assume.”

“Assume what?” Lucy pushed. “That you’re gay too?”

Maggie’s eyes went wide. She froze.

“That would suck, wouldn’t it? Having all of your friends ditch you. Having shit painted on your locker. Or people...”

“He’d kill me.”

Lucy cut off, brow furrowed as she stared at Maggie. “What?”

Maggie squeezed her sides, hair falling forward as she stared at the floor. “If he knew, he’d kill me.”

“If he knew?” Lucy took a small step forward. “Maggie, are you…”

She curled in on herself, screwed her eyes shut, fought to keep her breathing even.

“I won’t tell anyone,” Lucy’s voice cut through the roar in her ears. “I promise.”

Maggie shook her head, stepped backwards, back hitting the lockers. Grey spots punctuated the black of her closed eyelids.

“It's just me, Maggie,” Lucy continued. “Just me and you. Nobody else.”

Maggie focused on Lucy's voice.

“Nobody knows. Nobody has to know. And, I get it now, y'know, doing everything possibly to hide it.”

She let out a shuddering breath and looked up at Lucy.

“I'm sorry,” she croaked. “I didn't want to stop being your friend, but if there's even a rumor and my dad finds out.” She shook her head, trying to banish the thought.

Lucy laughed darkly. “Yeah, I'm always grateful my dad doesn't bother with much in these towns, just focused on work. If he knew there was a rumor about me, I'd never get to see Alex again.”

Maggie swallowed, sunk down so she was sitting on the bench, sketchbook pressed tight to her chest.

“Are you and Alex actually…”

Lucy's gaze flicked the the floor. She walked forward and sat next to Maggie. She picked at her jeans for a moment.

“We, uh, are, yeah.”

Maggie nodded. “I won't tell anyone.”

Lucy scoffed. “Like it matters, that's what everyone here thinks anyway.”

“But they don't know, y'know?”

Lucy nodded. “Thank you.”

Maggie lowered her sketchbook, letting it rest in her lap.

“Do you know where Alex is today? I was worried because of her knee and you know.”

Lucy tensed next to her. “She's fine. Just ate something bad after everything last night.”

Maggie wasn't sure if it was a lie or if Lucy was on edge because of everything shared.

“Well, I hope she feels better.”

“She will.”

The conviction in Lucy's voice made Maggie pause.

“I have to go,” Lucy said, standing. She rifled through her bag for a moment, pulling out a notebook and pen. She wrote something down before tearing out a page. “I don’t know if you still have my number,” she said as she handed the paper to Maggie. “But if you want to talk about any of it, I’m here.”

And she walked out.

Maggie stared at where she had turned around the corner, before looking down at the paper. She had deleted Alex and Lucy’s numbers, scrubbed them from her life as much as possible. She opened her sketchbook, folded the paper into the drawing of Alex and Lucy.

She stood, stepped to the mirror on the wall, stared at herself.

A deep breath.

A deep breath.

The words were warm in her throat, but wouldn’t move.

She was hyper-aware of where she was, of how easy it would be for someone to walk in, to overhear.

But she could think it.

_ Lesbian. I’m a lesbian. And I will get out of here. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks for all of the comments. they mean so much, and I love all of them.
> 
> note, I may not update next week. I only have up to chapter four written, and want to have something of a back up ready to go. I def thought I would get more done the last few weeks, but life said no
> 
> chapter title from 'Me Against the World' by Simple Plan


	4. try to make a sound but no one hears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex groaned, rested the book in her lap, closed the book to stare at the faded cover.
> 
> She closed her eyes, then looked to where her mother and the doctor were talking, barely visible between the closed curtain and wall.

_ She loves me, sure; the cunning of her passion _ _   
_ _ Invites me in this churlish messenger. _

Alex flicked at the permanently folded corner of the page. She skipped down a few lines of Viola’s soliloquy.

__ Disguise, I see, thou art a wickedness,  
__ Wherein the pregnant enemy does much.  
__ How easy is it for the proper-false  
__ In women's waxen hearts to set their forms!  
_ Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we!  
_ __ For such as we are made of, such we be.

She shifted the book, wrinkling her nose as it made the bandaid in her elbow pinch.

__ And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me.  
__ What will become of this? As I am man,  
__ My state is desperate for my master's love;  
_ As I am woman,--now alas the day!--  
_ __ What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe!

Alex groaned, rested the book in her lap, closed the book to stare at the faded cover.

English was going to suck so hard the next few weeks. Not that school didn’t already suck, but with the addition of Oliva falling in love with Viola disguised as Cesario, she was already anticipating things to get even worse.

She closed her eyes, then looked to where her mother and the doctor were talking, barely visible between the closed curtain and wall.

Her mother tucked some hair behind her ear, then wrapped her arms around herself.

Alex’s chest squeezed at the sight, mind going back to the first diagnoses, and watching her parents react through the glass window of the hospital room door. She hadn’t understood then what was happening to her.

She wished she still didn’t know.

Her mother looked at her, face set.

She wished so hard.

Her mother pushed past the curtain.

“It’s back,” Alex said.

“They want to do more tests,” her mother said, tone careful, slow.

Alex nodded, stared down at the book. “The bone marrow. For the official diagnosis.”

“It might not be leukemia again,” her mother said, tucking some of Alex’s hair back.

Alex brushed her hand away. “It’s is, Mom.” She shook her head. “It’s back.”

Her mother’s voice faded away.

The chatter of doctors and patients elsewhere faded away.

She barely noticed as the doctor stepped past the curtain, as he started talking.

Words floated over her, past her.

The back of her hand itched.

“Mom,” she said, cutting of the conversation between her mother and the doctor.

They turned to her. Alex ignored the tears starting to well in her mother’s eyes.

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Can Lucy sleep over tonight?”

Her mom swallowed, nodded. “Of course.”

Question answered, Alex slipped back into a haze, which deepened as they attached her to an IV and gave her a mild sedative for the biopsy.

The warmth of her mother's hand in hers.

The pressure of the needle on her hip.

The buzz of words over her head

of electricity in the walls

of medicine in her veins.

She was vaguely aware of the procedure ending, of the haze from the medicine lifting, leaving her with just the numbness pressing into her brain, the static in her ears, the knot heavy in her stomach.

She followed her mother to the car, slumped down in the passenger’s seat, and watched the fields pass by. She wrapped her arms around herself, fingers wrapping around her arms.

Her mother changed the radio every few minutes. The car bounced on the broken up pavement.

Alex’s thumb pressed into the already formed bruise on the inside of her bicep.

Just a throb to cut through the numbness.

She pressed harder.

As soon as the car was parked, she was out, ignoring her mother's comment about lunch.

She didn't want the food, didn't want the company. She just made her way through the silent house, to her bedroom.

The world slid back into focus, shrunk until nothing but her room existed.

Her feet were heavy as she stepped to her stereo - her father’s stereo, the six disc one he used to keep in his office. She ejected the disc holder, checked each CD. She faltered at the last one, a Queen album that had been her father’s favorite, that she had never taken out. She stared at it for a moment, at her reflection under the text, then pulled it out, carefully put it in its case.

She replaced it with the new Green Day CD she had bought the week before during a trip up to Lincoln, hit shuffle, and turned to face her room, the mechanic sound of the stereo choosing a CD behind her.

_ Mad in a way but I don't say _ __   
_ It's what you're used to _ __   
_ I got the words but can't convey _ __   
_ I know you'll turn it all around _ _   
_ __ 'cause that's the rhythms that you go through

It was loud, too loud for her mother on a normal day, and settled over her, easing the crawling under her skin telling her to move

to act

to lash out

even as her body was weighed down with emotions she didn’t want to deal with, didn’t want to name.

She changed into leggings and an oversized hoodie, then crawled into her bed, curled up in the corner. She lost herself to playing the same tetris demo over and over on her phone.

brick

brick

line cleared

brick

brick

new game

_ I don't want to wake up one day _ __   
_ And find out it's too late _ _   
_ __ To do all the things I want to do

brick

brick

line cleared

new game

brick

_ And the record won't stop skipping _ __   
_ And the lies just won't stop slipping _ _   
_ __ And besides, my reputation's on the line

line cleared

brick

brick

line cleared

accidental internet button press

_ "For crying out loud" she screamed unto me _ __   
_ A free for all _ __   
_ Fuck 'em all _ _   
_ __ You're on your own side

new game

brick

line cleared

“Alex?”

Lucy

Lucy, closing the door.

Lucy, stepping towards her.

Lucy, stripping to her underwear and t-shirt.

Lucy, climbing into the bed.

“It's back,” Alex choked out.

Lucy, holding her as the sobs broke through the numbness.

Alex woke with stinging eyes and pain thrumming through her brain. She pressed further into Lucy’s side, then froze as the memory of her blood on Lucy’s shirt floated past.

She slowly pulled her arm up, pressed her fingers beneath her nose.

“You’re good,” Lucy said. She wiggled down the bed so they were lying face to face. She brushed her fingers through Alex’s hair. “Your hair’s all knotted up, though.”

Alex sucked in a breath, closed her eyes as more tears welled up.

Lucy slid her hand around to the back of Alex’s head, fingers tangled in her hair, and pressed their foreheads together.

“I’m scared,” Alex whispered.

The easiest weight to name, to share.

Lucy took a deep breath. Her fingers tightened in Alex’s hair for a moment. “You’ll be okay.”

Alex shook her head.

“You...you will be,” Lucy insisted. The waver in her voice pulled a sob from Alex. “What was it, that you, uh, that you used to say? During our treatments?”

Alex shook her head again, clenched her jaw to stop it from trembling.

“Please.” Lucy brushed her thumb back and forth over Alex’s cheek. “Please, Alex.”

“Some...some stupid…” She cut off as her throat closed. She twisted her hand in Lucy’s shirt, skin brushing against her knuckles.

“Some stupid cells,” Lucy picked up. “Won’t be enough to take us out.” She pressed forward, brushing her lips across Alex’s. “You beat this once, you can do it again.” 

Alex squeezed her eyes tighter, flashes of color painting the black of her eyelids.

“Alex? You will beat this again, okay? Okay?”

The desperation thick in Lucy’s voice settled in Alex’s heart.

_ Oh, my brave girl. _

_ So strong. _

_ Handling it like a champ. _

She nodded.

She opened her eyes, let out a wet, hollow laugh, wiped the tears from Lucy’s eyes.

“I’ll beat it,” she said. “Of course I’ll beat it.” She had always said what Lucy needed to hear.

She sat up, Lucy’s hands dropping to her waist, and leaned over to grab her phone from the nightstand. She ignored Lucy staring at her as she flicked the phone open.

8 PM

“I miss anything important at school?” she asked, quickly flicking through the texts Lucy had sent her through the day.

Lucy sighed, sat up as well. “I talked to Maggie,” she said.

Alex glanced at her.

“Nobody else knows it was us,” Lucy continued. “And she’s not going to tell anyone.”

Alex scoffed. “Good for her.”

She slid past Lucy to stand up. She stumbled in a moment of lightheadedness.

“Alex?”

“I just need to eat,” she said, brushing off Lucy’s concern. “I’m going to go to the bathroom, then head down to the kitchen. You want food?”

“I’ll meet you down there,” Lucy said.

Alex nodded, slipped out of the room, and made her way to the bathroom. She locked the door behind her before wrapping her fingers around the edge of the sink, staring at herself in the mirror.

Pale skin.

Circles under her eyes.

Long hair a tangled mess.

_ So strong. _

She pushed the sleeve of her hoodie up, ran a finger over the bruise inside her arm before pressing into it.

_ Like a champ.  _

She closed her eyes, let out a breath as she lowered the sleeve.

_ Brave girl. _

She washed her face, cold water to try and get rid of the evidence that she had been crying, then left the bathroom. She walked down the stairs, into the kitchen.

Lucy was already there, along with Kara and Alex’s mom. The moment Alex walked into the room, her mom was fussing over her.

She brushed some of Alex's hair back, ran her thumbs under her eyes.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

Alex shrugged, ducked around her. “I'm fine. Hungry.”

She ignored Kara's wide eyes watching her, ignored the way Lucy stared at the counter, and made her way to the fridge.

“We still have some leftovers,” her mother said, hovering by her side. “Or I can make something.”

“Leftovers are fine,” Alex said, pushing some stuff around.

“Are you sure? We can…”

“Mom?” Alex's fingers tightened around the fridge handle. “Not tonight. Please?”

She glanced over, watched as her mother settled, nodded.

“Of course, sweetheart.” Her mother pressed a kiss to the side of her head, then stepped back. “Kara and I will be in the den,” she said.

Alex nodded, stared at the food. She listened to the footsteps leaving the kitchen, fingers still clenched around the handle.

Then warmth at her side and a kiss pressed to her cheek as Lucy grabbed a container of spaghetti.

“Can you get that sauce?” Lucy asked, gesturing to a jar of tomato sauce before pulling back.

“There enough for two in there?” Alex asked as she grabbed the jar.

“More than enough,” Lucy replied.

Alex settled into the ease and comfort of preparing food with Lucy.

Lucy kept an easy conversation going, talking about the latest episode of her show, about the upcoming Gov project, about a new art exhibit in the art museum up in Lincoln, about anything but the return of the cancer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a good chance I won't be updating next week. I want to give myself some time to write a bit further out, and I'm still just finishing chapter five now.
> 
> Chapter Title is from Untitled by Simple Plan  
> Text at the beginning is from Twelfth Night  
> Lyrics are from  
> Rhythms - Sum 41  
> Jump! - Simple Plan  
> I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song) - Fall Out Boy  
> Minority - Green Day


	5. there's a drought at the fountain of youth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn’t fair.
> 
> It wasn’t fucking fair.

Lucy slumped back, stared up at her house through the windshield.

Buzzing under the skin of her hands crawled up her arms. The pounding of her heart echoed through her head.

Alex was sick again.

Alex was sick again.

Alex was…

She slammed her open palms on the steering wheel.

Heat rolled down her cheeks as she squeezed her eyes shut, unable to hold back the tears as she fought to hold back to sobs.

If she could calm down enough, there might be a chance of getting past her mom without notice.

If she could keep from really breaking down.

But

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fucking fair.

Not when they had already been through so much.

~~~

_ “Can you send Lucy Lane to the front office?” _

Embarrassed heat crept up Lucy's neck as the chittering and giggling of the other twelve year olds filled the classroom around her.

“She’s on her way,” Ms. Gavin replied to the overhead system as she nodded at Lucy.

Lucy closed her notebook and binder, slid them into her backpack. She started towards the door, pulling the bag securely onto her shoulders.

“Ms. Lane.”

She stopped, looked to the teacher.

“I need your planner to give you a pass.”

“Of course. I’m sorry, ma'am.”

The giggling from the class intensified.

Lucy's shoulders pulled up. Her first few weeks at the school, she had tried to explain that her last few schools hadn't had things like planners and hall passes and cafeterias with crappy lunches, that they had been base schools or foreign schools or the one year she had been tutored. She had given up quickly when they didn’t listen.

So far, Jefferson Middle sucked.

She took her planner back, new initials on the hall pass page, and left the classroom.

Lois had warned her that things would be different once they returned stateside, that people would be different, and school would be different, and food would be different.

Lucy quickly pushed the thought of Lois away. If Lois could forget about her, she could forget about Lois.

She entered the front office to find her mother talking to the receptionist.

“Mom?”

The word sat wrong in her mouth, having only used it the last few months.

“Hey, sweetie,” her mom said.

“You’re good to go, Mrs. Lane,” the receptionist said.

“Thank you.”

Lucy followed her mother out of the building, towards the parking lot.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“The doctor wants to follow up about something from your check-up last week.”

Lucy grimaced. The doctor had cold hands, and seeing the doctor meant they were going on base, which meant she couldn't sit in the front seat.

She slid into the car, tossed her bag onto the other seat, and slumped down.

“Lucy.”

She rolled her eyes, but sat up straight.

“What do they wanna follow up about?” she asked, watching the passing cars as her mother drove out of the parking lot.

“They didn’t say,” her mother said. “However, I don’t think it’s anything major. They probably just got some papers mixed up.”

Lucy watched her mother in the rearview mirror. Mixed up papers wouldn’t make her mother pull her from school early. Her mother glanced in the mirror after a few moments.

“Don’t you have some homework you could be doing?”

Lucy sighed, but pulled her binder out, flipping to the worksheet her math teacher had assigned. She was only half done by the time they pulled up to the hospital, slowed down to keep the bumps and turns in the road from sending her pencil flying across the paper.

She finished the worksheet while sitting in the waiting room and started on an English assignment. Partway through, she stopped and groaned, remembering the teacher telling her to stop writing in cursive.

_ If this happens again, I will have to take five points off. _

She’d ignored Lucy when she had tried to explain that her last school never had them write in print, that she was just used to cursive.

People in America, she had decided, didn’t like to listen to the reasons why things were different.

Deciding to restart the assignment later she pulled the small ruler from the pencil pouch clipped into her binder, then flipped to the back of, to the section of graph paper. The last few were filled with geometric designs, filled in squares, and the grey smudge where the pencil had rubbed on the next paper.

She started to add to the current design, the one she had started in math, until she was finally called back.

They weighed her, measured her height - so close to five feet - then left her in the room alone.

Lucy huffed as the door closed behind the nurse. She looked around the room, at the posters of skeletal and muscular systems, at the brochures for various diseases and treatments. She picked up a brochure - dementia - and briefly glanced through it. Then the one on hearing loss, the one on eating disorders, the one on-

The door opened. She looked up as her mother walked in, pulled the doctor’s stool over to sit in front of her. Her mother started to speak a few times, but didn’t get far. Eventually, she reached over and grabbed Lucy’s hand.

“Do you remember when I was sick, when you were little?”

Lucy blinked. Her mother hadn’t just been sick.

“When you had cancer?” she quietly asked.

Her mother nodded.

Steady thudding grew louder and louder in Lucy’s ears. Each breath was slightly smaller than the last.

“Mom? Why am I here?”

Her mother’s tight smile did nothing to ease her growing panic.

“They need to do some tests, before they can say anything for sure.”

The thudding grew even louder, drowning out all other noise.

Memories flashed to the front of her mind.

Her mother, unable to get out of bed.

Her mother, letting her choose her headscarf each day.

Lois and herself trying to play as Aunt Moir watched them during her mother’s hospital visits.

Soft fingers brushed through her hair.

“Lucy. Lucy. I need you to listen to me.”

“Mom.”

“I know, sweetie.”

“Mom?” Her voice cracked around the word.

“Can you open your eyes for me?”

She did, blinking, blinking, blinking.

Her mother was kneeling in front of her, holding her hands.

“Mom?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“I don’t want to die.”

~~~

The carpet was soft beneath Lucy's bare feet and thankfully muffled her steps as she snuck down the hall. Light danced under her mother's door, but that didn't necessarily mean she was awake.

Lucy tugged at her tank top. She had changed into it when she had woken and it was already damp.

_ Excessive sweating  _

That had been one of the symptoms the doctor had listed.

At least that explained why she kept waking up soaked in sweat.

She slowed even further as she reached her mother's door. All she wanted was a glass of water and drawing her mother's attention would result in more than that.

“I don't think I can do this alone, Sam.”

Lucy froze as the words came through the door.

There were a few moments of silence.

“I know you can’t come home,” her mother said. “I’m not asking that, but Lois is gone and Moira is gone and… Sam, I once thought I wouldn’t get to see Lucy grow up because I wouldn’t be there, now she might not get to grow up.”

Lucy took a step back from her mother’s door. She stared at the wood for a few moments before turning and quickly going back to her room.

~~~

Lucy turned her music up, drowning out the cries from the kid across the room, without even looking up. She tapped her pencil on the graph paper, over and over, leaving lead dots behind.

She paused, tilted her head and squinted. The image she was trying to create from the dots was  _ starting  _ to come together.

Slightly.

Maybe.

Not at all.

It just looked like dots.

A starry sky if she was being generous.

And she wasn’t.

She dug her iPod out from where she had it tucked into the fold of her blanket and started to skip through the songs.

Dixie Chicks

Led Zeppelin

Die Toten Hosen

Martina McBride

Nearby movement pulled her attention up.

Another girl being brought in, led to the seat next to hers.

Lucy suppressed a groan. It figured that her first treatment in an infusion center instead of a private room she’d be stuck sitting next to someone. She went back to her dots, hoping the girl would at least stay focused on her own thing instead of trying to start a conversation.

When she looked up a few minutes later, however, the girl was staring at her.

“Can I help you?” she asked, pulling her headphones down to rest around her neck.

“You’re in my seat.”

Lucy blinked, glanced at her lap, at the arms of her chair, back at the girl. “I don’t see your name on it.”

The girl rolled her eyes. She pulled her bag onto her lap and dug through it for a moment, eventually pulling out a compact. She opened it, held it under the arm of Lucy’s chair.

“Xela?” Lucy snarked, staring at the letters carved into the wood under the arm, reflected backwards up at her.

The girl scoffed, snapped the compact shut, slumped back in her seat.

She didn’t speak the rest of the time Lucy was there.

~~~

Lucy moved slowly as she turned over on the couch, drugs and exhaustion sitting heavy in her muscles. She eventually settled, facing out at the living room. She squeezed her eyes shut, breathed through her nose, fought back the nausea rising from the movement.

Wet cloth was pressed to her forehead, wiping gently.

She blinked her eyes open. Her mother smiled.

“How're you feeling, sweetie?” her mother asked, wiping the cloth down her cheek, her neck.

Lucy groaned, ran her tongue over the sore between her cheek and jaw.

“I know,” her mom murmured. “But you're doing so well.” She brushed some of Lucy's hair behind her ear.

A rush of movement pulled her mother’s attention across the room. Lucy glanced over just in time to see Alex rush out of the room.

“I need to go check on her,” her mother said, turning back to Lucy. “And thank you, for being understanding about her coming home with us.”

Lucy nodded, watched her mother leave the room. She squeezed the pillow she had hugged to her chest, pressed her face into the end.

She and Alex had barely spoken since their first meeting, and instead had found themselves in a silent competition over the seat. Their parents telling them that Alex would be staying with Lucy and her mother for a few days was a surprise to both of them.

Lucy was trying to not be mad at Alex for taking her mother’s attention - it wasn’t Alex’s fault, after all - but it was hard. Not only was her mother’s attention split, but in order to watch both of them, they were in the living room, keeping Lucy from her bedroom.

~~~

“How many times are you going to replay _ Legally Blonde _ ?”

Lucy turned to look at Alex, held the remote up and stared at her as she hit the play button.

Alex groaned, slumped further into her couch.

“If you want to watch something else, you should go home,” Lucy grumbled.

There were a few moments with nothing but the movie, then Alex stood, vanishing from Lucy’s peripheral. A door opened, then closed.

Lucy sighed.

That was mean.

She turned to look over the back of the couch, eyed the bathroom door.

That was really mean.

She paused the movie, slowly made her way to the bathroom, watching the hall as she went in case her mother decided to check on them. She knocked on the door.

“Alex?” she said. “I'm sorry.”

It was a few moments before she recognized the muffled crying coming from inside.

“Alex?” She slowly opened the door, slipped inside. “Alex?”

She swallowed at the sight of Alex curled up in the corner made by the tub and wall.

Lucy sat next to her, back against the wall, and stared at the toilet, uncertain of what to do.

“I'm sorry,” she finally said. “That was mean and I shouldn't have said it.”

Alex slowly stopped crying, head buried in her arms. Her arms loosened their grip around herself.

“I want to go home,” she said, voice rough. “But I can't.”

“My mom said your dad will be back soon.”

Alex shook her head, peered out at Lucy over the crook of her elbow.

“Home-home.” She sighed, shudders ran down her body. “My...uh, sister - adopted sister - she's, well, sorta sick too, and my parents don’t want to risk me catching anything from her, y’know? So she's home with my mom, and I'm here.”

“That sucks,” Lucy said.

Alex shrugged one shoulder. Her eyes went wide a moment before she dove for the toilet.

Lucy breathed deep, fought her own nausea at the sound and smell of Alex throwing up. She moved towards Alex, pulling her hair back to hold it out of her face.

~~~

A sharp gasp pulled Lucy’s attention from the movie. She lifted her head off of the pillow enough to look at Alex.

“You can’t swim?” Alex asked, staring down at her from the other end of the couch.

“No?”

“How do you live?”

“By not going in deep water?”

Alex scoffed. “I’m teaching you to swim. Everyone should know how to swim.”

“What if I don’t want to know how to swim?”

“I don’t care, it’s happening.”

Lucy rolled her eyes. She pushed her shin into Alex’s stomach as she turned back to Angelina Jolie on the TV screen.

Alex’s hand wrapped around Lucy’s shins, holding her legs steady in her lap.

“Why would I need to know how to swim?” she asked.

“Because you could fall in water and drown.”

“I know enough to not drown.”

“Do you?”

“Duh.”

“Girls?”

Lucy looked up at Alex as her mother’s voice came from behind the couch, then sat up to look over the back. Her mother was standing with Alex’s father.

“Are you ready to go, Alex?” he asked.

Lucy glanced at Alex to find her looking back.

And Lucy didn’t want her to leave.

“Would you and Alex like to stay for dinner?” Lucy’s mother asked.

“That would be great, thank you,” Alex’s father replied.

Lucy grinned at Alex, grinned harder as Alex smiled back.

~~~

“Hey, Lucy, I'm sorry to bother you.”

Lucy looked up from her book, gave Nurse Joy a small smile. Joy was her favorite nurse, always making sure Lucy was comfortable and knew everything that was going on. She also never got annoyed with the Pokemon jokes the way Dr. Jones did with Indiana Jones jokes.

“Your mother needs to see you, so we're going to move you to a private room for a bit.”

Lucy nodded, started to pack up her stuff.

“How’re you feeling today?” Joy asked as they made their way through the infusion center, Joy wheeling Lucy’s IV.

Lucy shrugged. “Tired.”

She perked up a little as Alex stepped through the door they were walking towards.

Alex tilted her head, furrowed her brow as she glanced at the still filled IV. Lucy shrugged again.

“I’ll probably be back soon,” she said.

Alex nodded. “I’ll be in my chair.”

Lucy rolled her eyes, but let it go as she followed Joy into the hallway.

“Do you know what my mom wants?” she asked.

“She didn’t say,” Joy said. She pushed the door to a nearby room open. “Right in here.”

Lucy’s mother was sitting on the bed inside, cell phone held to her ear. She waved Lucy over.

“She’s here now,” her mother said to whoever was on the phone.

Lucy sat next to her, took the phone when it was offered.

“Hello?”

_ “Lucy.” _

Her eyes went wide, her grip on the phone tightened. “Daddy?”

_ “Hey, sweetheart. How are you feeling today?” _

His voice was distant, staticy, but it was him.

“I’m okay,” she said. “My tutor gave me a project on  _ The Outsiders _ , so I’ve been reading that during my treatment today.”

_ “That’s good. How do you like it?” _

“I like it. I’m about halfway finished right now.”

_ “Good. It’s important you keep up with your studies.: _

“Yes, sir.”

She stared at her hand, twisted her wrist and watched the IV tube move.

“Daddy?”

_ “Yes?” _

“Do you know how long you’re going to be gone?”

There was a pause. Her mother’s hand settled on her shoulder.

_ “I don’t,”  _ he finally said.  _ “But I need you to just focus on getting better, alright?” _

She nodded as she replied. “Yes, sir.”

_ “That’s my girl. I have to go now. Can you give the phone to your mother?” _

“Yeah.”

_ “I love you, Lucy.” _

“Love you too, Daddy.”

She passed the phone back, picked at the tape holding the IV port down as she listened to her mother say goodbye. Tears started to well up and roll down her cheeks.

Once the call was over, her mother wrapped an arm around Lucy’s shoulders.

“He’ll be home,” he mother said.

“What if…” Her throat tightened. “What if I…”

What if she wasn’t here when he got back?

What if she didn’t survive?

What if she died?

She curled into her mother’s chest as she was pulled in, fingers clenching at her mother’s shirt, tears quickly soaking the fabric.

~~~

Knocking startled Lucy from her thoughts.

She glanced over and sighed at the sight of her mother on the other side of the car door. She climbed out and was instantly pulled into a hug.

“Eliza called,” her mother said. “How’re you doing?”

Lucy shrugged, let her mother lead her towards the house.

“I made an appointment for us to go get your tests done on Thursday,” her mother said as they walked. “It’s a little early, but...” 

“It’s better to know,” Lucy said. It was hard enough knowing there was a risk of a recurrence, but to know it happened to Alex made the fear worse.

“Yeah.”

Lucy froze once inside the house.

Alex was no longer in remission.

Her mother stepped in front of her, cupped her face.

“Lucy?”

“I don’t want Alex to die. I just got used to us not dying and now she might die again and it’s not fair...it’s...it’s not fair.”

Her mother caught her as she crumpled, lowered her to the ground, and held her tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive thank you for the reviews, they keep me going  
> I am not sure when the next chapter will be up. I may have gotten sidetracked by another fic, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to get back into this fic if I get feedback
> 
> Song title from Hitchin' a Ride by Green Day


	6. hooray for me you talk to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie quickly found the only other person without a partner.  
> Lucy.  
> Walking towards her desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter update and i'm not happy with it, but I've been struggling with this chapter and just want to get it out and move onto the next, so here you go.

Maggie slumped into the seat next to Eliza at the lunch table, leaning against her for a moment before digging into her backpack for her lunch.

Eliza nudged her. “You okay?”

Maggie nodded. “Just tired. Didn’t get much sleep this weekend.”

She had spent most of the weekend in a state of mild panic after it had hit her that she had come out to someone. She had avoided looking at Lucy throughout gym. She had glanced at Alex a few times, but just because she had been sitting to the side, working on something from a textbook.

“Well, I may have some news to perk you up.”

Maggie glanced over, eyebrow raised.

“I asked around,” Eliza said, leaning close. Her easy smile pulled one from Maggie. “And, I’m pretty sure Will likes you, too.”

Maggie’s smile grew tight. She forced enthusiasm into her voice. “Really?”

Eliza giggled. “Yeah. Aaaaand, Jack said he might be able to get Will to hang with us this weekend.”

Maggie’s stomach dropped. “Eliza.”

“It’s not a date, just you and me and my boyfriend and the boy you like.”

“My parents aren’t gunna go for that.”

“So just tell them it’s me.”

“I can’t lie to my parents.”

Eliza scoffed. “Come on, Maggie. You can’t go to college never having had a boyfriend.”

“I’ll ask my parents if I can hang with you, okay?”

Eliza breathed out through her nose, settled back. “I thought you’d be more excited.”

“I am, El. It’s just…”

“Your parents.”

“Yeah.”

“You can’t let them control you, Mag.”

Maggie rolled her eyes. Eliza’s parents were much more relaxed than her own and Eliza had never really understood that.

“I’ll ask,” Maggie said.

Eliza grinned at her. “I’m sure they’ll say yes.” She took a bite of her chicken sandwich. “Ooh, or, what if I come by after school again, to keep working on my Spanish project, and I’ll ask for you. Your parents never say no to me.”

Maggie’s stomach twisted.

Eliza was right, her parents would agree to it if she asked, which meant Maggie wouldn’t be able to lie about her parents saying no.

“That sounds like a great idea,” she said. “What were you and Jack thinking we could do?”

She put on a fake smile as they spent the rest of their lunch planning the weekend, giggled at the right moments, continued the masquerade she’d been playing for years. When the bell rang, signaling the end of the period, relief flowed through her. She said bye to Eliza and made her way to Gov.

Once in class, she was able to zone out a bit, her seat towards the back and ease in the subject giving her more security that in other classes. She took notes every few moments, jotting down dates and definitions, but it wasn’t until mass movement started around her that she was jolted back to the class.

A quick glance around showed that it wasn’t the usual movement to leave after class ended, but instead, people partnering up.

Or, more, people finished partnering up.

Maggie quickly found the only other person without a partner.

Lucy.

Walking towards her desk.

Maggie’s stomach twisted even as her heart sped up.

“Guess it’s us,” Lucy said.

Maggie looked up at her. “Uh, yeah, guess it is.”

Lucy pulled a nearby desk closer, settled in it and looked up at Mr. Fortune.

With her so close, Maggie’s earlier conviction to not look at her vanished and she found herself glancing at Lucy every few moments as the project was explained.

Eventually, Mr. Fortune walked around to each pair, had them choose a topic from a cup. Lucy picked, pulling the slip of paper out. She laid it flat on her desk, nose wrinkling as she read it.

“Alright, everyone,” Mr. Fortune said, walking back to the front of the class. “You have the last ten minutes of class to discuss what you’re going to do and make plans to get these projects done.”

“What did we get?” Maggie asked.

Lucy rolled her eyes. “The 27th Amendment. Possibly one of the most boring topics we could have gotten.”

Maggie stared at her. “The 27th Amendment?”

“It’s about congressional pay. Literally, the only interesting thing about it is that it took over two hundred years to be ratified.”

Maggie groaned. “And we have to give a presentation about it.”

“Yup.”

Maggie slumped back in her seat.

“So,” Lucy continued. “When do you want to meet to work on it?”

“I can’t tonight or Saturday, but I’m free the rest of the week after school.”

Lucy nodded. “I can do Wednesday or Friday.”

“I’ll have to check with my parents, but Wednesday should be good.”

“Cool.”

The bell rang, pushing everyone into motion.

“So, let me know tomorrow?” Lucy said, stepping backwards to her seat.

“Yeah.”

Anxiety crept up Maggie as she left the classroom, made her way to her next class. It clung to her through the rest of the day, squeezing as she got onto the bus.

“Oh my god, Maggie,” Eliza said as she sat on the seat next to her. “I heard.”

The anxiety’s grip tightened into a chokehold.

“Heard what?” she asked, keeping her voice level.

“You got paired with Lucy in gov? What are you going to do?”

“I think doing the assignment is probably a good idea.”

“I’m serious, Maggie.  Can you be safe around her? Like, really?”

“I hung out with her all summer and was fine.”

“Alright, Lucy may be okay, but if she tries to get you to hang out with Alex, get out, okay? I don’t trust them to not try and turn you or something.”

“Yeah. I will.”

“Good. So, you will never guess what happened in trig today.”

“What?”

“We had a sub and he was horrible and...”

Maggie’s anxiety loosened as she and Eliza talked about their day. Despite certain differences, Eliza was her best friend, had been since they were kids.

Eventually, the bus was driving past her family's land. A small team was set up around the billboard, putting a new sign up.

“I didn’t know the vandals came back,” Eliza said.

“My dad scared them off before they did much,” Maggie said. “But they got enough, I guess.”

“Maybe that will finally put a stop to them.”

Maggie thought to Alex’s pain and Lucy’s anger and her own fear. “We can hope.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Fucking Deathwish by My Chemical Romance
> 
> Thank you all so much for the comments, they are really what keeps me posting


	7. Hands are shaking cold, your hands are mine to hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Mrs. Danvers,” the secretary said. “What can I help you with?”
> 
> Alex could just make out the tension in her mother’s shoulders.
> 
> “Can you let Mr. Johnson know Dr. Danvers is here for her meeting?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to add an extra warning for homophobia in this chapter. It's a rough one.

Alex kept her head down as she followed her mother through the school. With the school day over, most of the students were gone, but she still felt the stares of the few remaining for extracurriculars.

She stuck close to her mother as they entered the front office.

“Mrs. Danvers,” the secretary said. “What can I help you with?”

Alex could just make out the tension in her mother’s shoulders.

“Can you let Mr. Johnson know _Dr._ Danvers is here for her meeting?”

Mrs. Moore’s smile tightened, but she nodded, stood, and walked further into the office. She came back a few moments later.

“He’s ready for you.”

“Thank you.”

Alex continued to trail after her mother, ignored the growing knot in her stomach. It was the knot she always felt when going to Mr. Johnson’s office. She had never gotten into trouble at her last school and still wasn’t used to it.

The door was open, Mr. Johnson sitting at his desk.

“Mrs. Danvers, Alex, come in, please. Have a seat.”

“It’s Dr. Danvers,” Eliza said as she sat. Alex slumped into the seat next to her.

Johnson’s smile grew tight just as Mrs. Moore’s had. “Of course. My apologies, doctor. Now, the reason you asked for this meeting?”

Eliza’s grip tightened on the files she was holding. “It’s…” She took a deep breath. “A few years ago, Alex was diagnosed with leukemia. She went through treatment and was in remission, but…”

Alex sunk further in her seat, crossed her arms.

“We found out this weekend that it’s back, that she’s no longer in remission.”

“I’m so sorry. That’s horrible news.”

“Thank you.” Eliza set the file on Johnson’s desk. “This is the 504 plan we had with Alex’s last school during her reintegration as well as the documentation from the doctors about her illness. I was hoping in this meeting we could begin the process of creating a new 504 plan specific to your school and the new treatment plan.”

Johnson took the file, idly started to flip through. “We will, of course, do what we can to accommodate, but my first concern is how many days of school do you predict Alex would miss?”

“It would be a significant number. Any day she has treatment and at least two days after she would not be able to come in.”

“That might present a problem.”

Alex stared at the front of his desk, pressed her thumb into her arm.

“A problem?” Eliza pushed.

“There is a maximum number of days a student can miss each year. Twenty, to be exact. This includes absences excused for illness.”

“That’s what the plan is for,” Eliza said. “If we can work out a system with tutors or home study on days she can’t physically attend class.”

Alex glanced up at Johnson, watched him close the file and pass it back.

“In my opinion, Dr. Danvers, it would be best if those tutors were Alex’s primary education source.”

“What do you mean?” Eliza asked.

Johnson leaned back in his seat.

“Over the past few months Alex has proven to be something of a troublemaker, a distraction to the other kids in her classes.”

“She got some detentions in the beginning of the year, but it’s been a few months.”

“And yet I still hear from teachers and students that they are uncomfortable having her in class.”

“Why would they be uncomfortable?”

Fear roared in Alex's ears. Each breath was harder with each word he spoke.

“I'm sorry to tell you this, Dr. Danvers, especially in the wake of such bad news, but Alex is a homosexual.”

Alex flinched, as much at his words as at her mother’s sharp breath.

“We have tolerated her presence despite the disruption she causes in the school, but if she will also be missing so many days, it would be best if you found another path of education for her.”

She could feel the tension coming of her mother in waves.

“Of course,” Johnson continued. “I can recommend some places that might help…straighten her out, so to speak.”

Alex ran, chair toppling behind her.

Ignored her mother calling after her, ignored the surprised yells of Mrs. Moore, ignored the stares of the group of students in the front hall.

She sprinted down the athletic hallway, through the locker room, out to the parking lot.

A quick glance around, noting the winter track team warming up, the hockey team doing their conditioning, then she ran into the neighborhood.

Her mind raced.

Her house was just under a mile from the school. But her mother would check there first. Lucy’s was further, closer to Blue Springs. But her mother would look there too.

She finally slowed as she reached the baseball field a few blocks away. She leaned against the metal bleachers, hunched over with her hands on her knees, and breathed against the pain in her lungs.

But Lucy. She needed Lucy.

She squeezed her eyes shut as music started to rise from her pocket. The Xena theme song got about halfway through before cutting off, then starting again.

Alex pulled her cell phone out, stared at her mother’s name on the front screen. She waited until her mother’s call ended to flip the phone open. A quick navigation and she was calling _Awesomesauce Lucy._

_“Hey, Alex. What’s up?”_

Alex breathed, fought back tears.

_“Alex? Alex what’s wrong?”_

“The baseball fields,” she forced out. “By the school.”

_“I’ll be right there.”_

Alex slid to the ground, not noticing the remnant of the morning’s rain soaking into her pants. She pressed her forehead to her knees, hugged herself as she shivered against the cold.

Johnson’s words circled around her head.

Homosexual

Homosexual

Homosexual

The students never used that word.

Walking the halls she heard lesbo

dyke

homo

fucking gay ass queer

But they never used homosexual in it’s full.

It sounded so cruel.

So clinical.

Undercut with the meaning of she’s sick

she’s sick

she’s sick

She looked up as a car stopped nearby, a door opening and closing. She pushed herself up and met Lucy part way.

“What happened?” Lucy asked, grabbing Alex’s hands, holding them in hers to try and warm them.

“Can we just drive for a bit?” Alex asked.

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

Alex settled in the passenger seat, leaning heavily against the door. The vibration of the car, the lull of Lucy’s music, the warmth of the heater turned up higher than Lucy usually kept it. Alex lost track of the time and the distance.

“He told my mom,” she said at some point after Lucy had gotten onto another highway to get away from the setting sun.

Lucy hummed, reached up to turn the music down.

“We were trying to get accommodations for my treatments. He said he wouldn’t because I’m…”

Homosexual

Homosexual

Homosexual

“Shit,” Lucy said.

Alex let out a shuddering breath. “He was talking about sending me to get fixed.”

“God, I hate him so much.”

Alex traced a finger over the lock button on the door, pressed the side of her head against the window. “What if she does what he suggests?”

“Then I’ll break you out and we’ll, I don’t know, run away, back to California.”

Alex turned to watch Lucy. After a moment, she reached over, gently pulled Lucy’s hand off of the gearshift. She raised Lucy’s hand, pressed a kiss to the back before holding it in her lap.

“Thank you,” she said.

They would never run away, not anymore. The cancer would hang over the heads, a never ending weight until either Alex died or they returned. But knowing Lucy would risk it for her filled her with a bittersweet warmth.

Alex shifted in her seat so her back was to the door. She watched Lucy drive, the focus, the movements. Lucy pulled her hand away when she needed it - to change lanes - to turn the music back up - to adjust the rear view mirror - but once she was finished, she reached over and let Alex hold it again.

Lucy’s phone ringing in the cup holder made both of them jump.

“Can you check that?” Lucy asked.

Alex grabbed the phone. “It’s your mom.”

“Shit. Okay.” She took the phone, flipped it open with one hand and held it to her ear. “Hey, Mom.”

Alex stared at her hands, toyed with her fingers in her lap.

“Yeah, she, uh, she is.”

Alex tensed.

“We’re just driving.” Lucy shifted the phone to her other hand. She let go of the wheel for a moment to grab Alex’s hand and squeeze. “Yes. Yes, ma’am. We’ll start making our way back.” She changed lanes to take the oncoming exit. “It will probably be close to two hours. We will. I love you, too, Mom.”

She flipped her phone closed, dropped it back into the cupholder.

“How much trouble are we in?” Alex asked.

Lucy's brow furrowed. “I don't know. She didn't sound mad.”

Alex sighed, sunk deeper into her seat.

“Wanna stop and get food?” Lucy asked.

“Yes, please.”

They stopped at the next McDonald's they passed, going through the drive through.

Lucy made Alex feed her, insisting she needed one hand in the wheel and refusing to let go of Alex's hand with her other.

She also had Alex put her Dixie Chicks CD in and turn the music up. They rolled the windows down once they were finished eating and, for a bit, Alex was able to forget, was able to just be a normal girl listening to too loud music in her girlfriend's car.

Then they entered Blue Springs and the weight fell back onto her shoulders.

Lucy held her hand as long as she could, until she needed both hands to steer through the neighborhoods.

“I’m scared,” Alex said as they turned onto Lucy’s street.

Lucy sucked in a breath. She pulled to the side of the road, next to the park. She glanced around, checking the street, then pulled Alex towards her, kissed her over the center console. She tucked some of Alex’s hair behind her ear as she pulled back.

“I’m here with you. I’m here for you. I’m here. Be as scared as you need to be because I’ll be here.”

Alex took a shaky breath.

“Okay?” Lucy asked.

Alex nodded. “Okay. Okay.”

“Okay.” Lucy kissed her again. “Now, we really should get to the house so our moms can stop worrying.”

“Alright.”

The short drive to Lucy’s house was quiet as Alex did her best to sink further into her seat.

She could see their mothers waiting on the porch as they pulled into the driveway, Kara hovering in the doorway.

“I’m right here,” Lucy said.

Alex nodded. She took a deep breath and opened her door. Just moments after she stepped out of the car she was pulled into a tight hug.

“You scared me so much, Alex,” her mother said.

Alex sunk into the hug, clung to her mother, squeezing tighter the first time her mother tried to pull away. She pushed her face into her mother’s shirt, tried to ignore the way she was soaking the fabric.

“Oh, my Alex,” her mother murmured when they finally pulled apart. She wiped the tears from Alex’s cheeks with her thumbs.

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered. “I just...I…”

“No, you don’t need to apologize,” her mother said. “Okay?” She pressed a kiss to Alex’s forehead. “We’re going to go home, get you some food, and talk for a bit.”

Alex’s heart pounded but she nodded. She let her mother guide her to the car, waved goodbye to Lucy through the window as they drove off.

“What about Kara?” Alex asked.

“She’s going to stay with the Lanes for the night,” Eliza said.

Alex sunk into her seat, stared out the window.

What if her mother didn’t want Kara around when she sent Alex away? What if she just wanted to have Alex disappear, give herself time to come up with a reason? What if…

“Alex,” Eliza said. Alex kept staring out the window. “Before anything else, he shouldn’t have said what he said.”

Alex glanced at her mother. Eliza’s focus was on the street as she drove.

“If any of it is true, that’s up to you to tell me, whenever you want.”

Alex stared at her.

“And if it is true,” Eliza kept going, “it’s okay. You can tell me when you’re ready to and I will be here and will support you however you need.”

Alex looked back out the window, the words settling over her, seeping in.

Her mother would accept her being gay.

Her mother accepted her being gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major thanks to everyone who read through this chapter for me and have feedback  
> Thanks as well to everyone leaving comments, they mean so much
> 
> Chapter title is from Move Along by the All American Rejects
> 
> The next chapter is started but I don't know how long it'll take to finish


	8. you are the shores, i am the waves begging for big moons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex poked at the bruise on her arm, scrunched up her nose. She looked at Kara, rolled her eyes at the wide eyes watching get.  
> “You need to control your strength,” she said.  
> “I'm sorry,” Kara said, the O extending in that way that had kids at school asking if she was Canadian. “I'm really trying. You're the only one I ever seem to bruise.”  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyyyy, update, hopefully they'll start to come faster, just had an eventful month of injury then illness, but, I finally have an idea of where this is really going, which is a relief for me
> 
> Big thanks to Aide and Jesi for looking it over for me

Alex toyed with the last carrot on her plate. Noises of the dishwasher being loaded came from the kitchen as her mother cleaned up from dinner.

They hadn’t talked yet, her mother insisting on them eating first. So dinner had been awkward silence over Alex’s favorite pizza. Then they had finished and Alex had been sent to wait for her mother to clean up.

So, she was curled up in the corner of the couch, small plate of veggies in her lap, trying to fight back the panic clawing up the back of her neck.

A crash of dishes falling in the sink made her flinch, gave the panic the hold it needed.

~~~

Alex poked at the bruise on her arm, scrunched up her nose. She looked at Kara, rolled her eyes at the wide eyes watching get.

“You need to control your strength,” she said.

“I'm sorry,” Kara said, the O extending in that way that had kids at school asking if she was Canadian. “I'm really trying. You're the only one I ever seem to bruise.”

Alex huffed. “If you don't like me, you can just tell me.”

Kara shook her head, blonde hair whipping around. “I do like you,” she insisted. “I don't know why it always happens.”

“Why what always happens?” 

Alex looked up at her parents as they walked into the kitchen.

“Nothing,” she said, quickly pushing the sleeve of her hoodie down.

“I keep bruising Alex,” Kara said at the same time. “I don’t mean to, really, but it happens no matter how much I try not to.”

Alex’s father stepped to her, held out a hand. Alex sighed. She pushed her sleeve back up and held her arm out. He gently turned her arm over as he inspected the bruise.

“How many nosebleeds have you had this week?” her mother asked, stepping up and pressing a hand to her forehead.

“I don’t know,” Alex said, pulling away from the touch. “Three?”

“And you haven’t been surfing as much lately,” her father said.

“I’ve been tired,” she said.

Her parents glanced at each other. She knew that look, it was the same one they shared before telling her their old dog, Alice, had died. And when they had told her Kara was going to move into her room. And when she had broken her leg when she was little and they had to cancel her seventh birthday party.

“Why?” she asked.

“I think we’re going to take you to go see a doctor,” her mother said. “Just to make sure nothing’s wrong.”

“What? I’m fine.”

“I’m sure you are, champ,” her father said. “But just to make sure.”

Alex groaned, rolled her eyes. “Fine. But don’t forget I have Josie’s birthday party this weekend, so it can’t be during that.”

“We won’t forget, don’t worry.”

~~~

Alex sucked in each breath as she waded out of the water. She hadn’t been out as long as she would like, but her legs kept shaking on the board and a headache was starting to spread behind her eyes.

Her plans to sit in the sand long enough that her parents wouldn’t know she finished early were ruined by her father walking down the yard. Beyond him, her mother was hovering on the patio. She walked up the sand, meeting him part way.

“What’s up, Dad?” she asked, leaning her board against the fence between grass and sand.

“There’s something I need to talk to you about,” he said. “Come sit with me.”

He led her part way back down the sand, sitting right above the high tide line.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Alex kept looking from him to the water then back towards the house. Her mother had moved down the yard, standing at the fence.

She closed her eyes, sucked in a breath as the headache throbbed. She just wanted to go in and go back to sleep.

“You know how we took you to the doctor last week?” he finally asked.

“Duh.”

He didn’t give her the soft admonishing look he usually did at that.

“We got the results for some of the tests.”

“And I’m fine, right?”

Her dad took a deep breath. “When they looked at your blood, they found that there are more white blood cells than there should be.”

“Okay?” Her mind raced, trying to think through health class lessons about what that could mean.

“And the ones you have, they don’t work properly."

Her stomach sank. Her headache pulsed.

"Have you heard of something called leukemia?"

Yes. In health the previous quarter.

But, she shook her head, as quickly as her headache would let her because

No

No

No

Her father pulled her into a hug before she even realized she was crying.

~~~

“Alexandra, unlock this door right now.”

Alex didn’t. She just stared across the room, hugged her knees to her chest. The door against her back shook as her mother knocked again.

“Alexandra Danvers! Open this door.”

Alex dropped her head to her knees.

“Fine. Your father can deal with you when he gets home.”

Footsteps faded away.

Alex sucked in a breath. She sat for a few more minutes before standing. She crossed her room on shaky legs, stopping in front of the window. She trailed her fingers along the painted design on the sill, up the frame. Pale blue waves on a white backdrop her father had painted when she was little. She watched the ocean for a few moments before turning away and crawling into her bed.

She reached over the side, grabbed the old stuffed otter from her nightstand. She hugged the otter to her chest and buried into her blankets.

She hadn’t meant to yell at her mother. She just was pissed and scared and why did she have to move to National City for her treatment? Why did she have to leave everything and go live in some hospital? Why couldn’t Kara go live with Clark instead?

She didn’t know how long she lay in a haze of thoughts and confusion before there was more knocking at her door.

Softer.

Quieter.

“Alex?”

Her father.

She sat up, stared at the door.

“Alex. Can you please let me in?”

She wanted to, oh she wanted to. She wanted to fall into her father’s hug and have him tell her everything was going to be okay.

“I just want to talk.”

But she was supposed to be strong. They were expecting her to be strong. How could she be strong if all she wanted was a hug?

“Please, Alex. You aren’t in trouble. Just come open the door.”

Alright.

Make him ask once more, then she’d go open the door.

But he didn’t.

Silent tears streamed down her face once she realized he had left.

~~~

"See, isn't this place cool?" Jeremiah said, grinning as he moved through the apartment. "Better than any hotel."

Alex just walked past him, into the closest bedroom. She could hear his sigh as she closed the door behind her.

She dropped her backpack onto the bed, stepped to the window. She could see the ocean, barely, past numerous other buildings, but at least it was there.

She sat on the bed, started to go through her bag.

Her father knocked softly on her door.

"Alex? Can I come in?"

She sighed. "Yeah."

He sat next to her.

"I know this isn't ideal," he said. "I know you would rather still be home, but this hospital is where you will get the best treatment, and this apartment building, it's entirely for kids like you, so you don't have to stay in the hospital or move from hotel to hotel during your treatment."

"I know," she murmured.

He kissed the side of her head. "Of course you do, always are the smartest in the room."

She couldn't help the small smile his words pulled out.

~~~

"Kara, want to come with me to pick up the pizza?" Jeremiah asked.

Kara jumped up, nodding rapidly.

Alex eyed her as she ran around the apartment, getting her shoes and N'SYNC bag she apparently carried everywhere.

Once the door closed, Alex looked back to her school work.

"What are you working on?"

She glanced up at her mother, then shrugged. "Chemistry."

"I thought we weren't having you work ahead this year," her mother said.

"I want to. I've already learned most of the stuff for my year."

Her mother pursed her lips, hummed. "Just try to not work yourself so hard," she said. "You need to focus on healing."

Alex curled an arm around her workbook, the bruise on her elbow stark against her pale skin. "I know."

~~~

Alex curled under the smile Mrs. Lane sent her. All adults smiled the same, that pitying 'you're so strong to be going through what you're going through' smile.

Well, her dad didn't smile at her like that, but her dad had just dropped her off at the Lane's again, so that wasn't really relevant.

"Lucy is in her room," Mrs. Lane said. "But…" she sighed. "She isn't in the best mood right now."

Alex nodded.

"I'll be in my office if you need anything," Mrs. Lane told her before continuing down the hall.

Alex pushed Lucy's door open, slowly stepped into the room.

"Go away," Lucy said, voice muffled from beneath a pile of blankets.

"Lucy?"

"Go away."

Alex sucked in a deep breath, fighting against the sudden weight on her chest.

"Okay," she mumbled, fumbling for the doorknob and leaving the room.

She made her way to the living room, doing her best to stay quiet, doing her best to not let the sobs take over in the middle of the hallway.

She made it to the couch without breaking down, even managed to get Disney Channel on before the tears started to fall. She pulled the blankets from the back of the couch to curl up under and muffle her already silent sobs.

She fell asleep during  _ Halloweentown II _ and was woken when the couch dipped. She blinked through the sting in her eyes, squinted through the dark.

“Lucy?”

She pushed herself up so she was sitting cross legged on the couch, mirroring Lucy.

Then Lucy reached up, pulled on the hood of her sweatshirt.

Lucy’s hair was still there.

Mostly.

Visible clumps were missing.

“Woke up yesterday and it was…” Lucy trailed off, the light of the TV making the tears in her eyes glint.

Alex slowly reached out, took one of Lucy’s hands in her own, then pulled her forward. Lucy fell easily into the hug, let Alex move them so they were both lying on the couch.

~~~

Alex grew more and more tense as the episode continued. She could feel Lucy do the same next to her. The episode had aired a few weeks back and they had caught it a few times on rerun, so they knew which song was coming, which scene.

Alex glanced at Lucy - the shape of her lips, the tilt of her chin, the knit beanie she always wore now - only to jerk her attention back to the TV when Lucy glanced at her.

Willow and Tara left the Magic Box and Alex’s heart pounded in her ears. Tara started singing and Alex could barely hear the words.

Reggie Rocket appeared on the screen, the sudden change making Alex jump. She glanced at Lucy, ready to ask why she changed the channel, but stopped as Mrs. Lane stepped into the living room.

Right, Lucy was listening for her return, ready to change channel because her father apparently ‘absolutely forbid’ her from watching  _ Buffy _ , even when he was on the other side of the world. 

“Hey, girls,” Mrs. Lane said.

Then Alex’s mother walked into view, Kara close behind.

Alex blinked.

She hadn’t known her mother and Kara were coming down to National City again so soon, their visits seemingly growing further and further apart.

~~~

It was too warm under the blankets, but Alex didn't dare move.

For once, Lucy was spending the night with Alex because her mother had a work thing. So they were in Alex's room, in Alex's bed, and Alex was sure that if she moved it would all end, shattering around her.

Her mind flashed to Willow and Tara, Xena and Gabrielle, but she pushed those thoughts away.

It wasn't like that.  _ She  _ wasn't like that.

But her skin tingled where she and Lucy were touching and she was so sure she could map out the shape of Lucy's face even in the dark and…

Lucy shifted, curled further into Alex.

The world didn't break.

Lucy's words came soft and slurred against Alex's clavicle. "You still 'wake?"

Alex's words felt clumsy, her tongue thick in her mouth. "Can't sleep."

Lucy hummed, vibrations sparking on Alex's skin.

Alex wrapped her arms around Lucy, squeezed her eyes shut, chanted the lie in her head over and over and over.

She wasn't like that.

She wasn't like that.

She wasn't like that.

~~~

“Alex? You alright, sweetie?”

Alex blinked. She turned to her mother, then nodded. She set her plate on the coffee table, stared at her hands in her lap as she fiddled with her fingers. She did her best to not look up as her mother sat on the middle couch cushion.

“I pulled you out of the school.”

Alex instantly looked up, eyes wide. Her mother nodded.

“We’ll get you started with the program Kara’s in, for your grade, of course, and we’ll find a tutor to help during your treatments.”

“Why?”

Her mother took a deep breath. “I won’t leave you in that school now that I know what the environment there is like.”

Alex shrugged. “It’s not that bad.”

“Alex.” A sigh. “How much of the trouble you’ve gotten into this year was because of the other kids? Or the teachers?”

Alex looked away.

“Exactly,” her mother continued. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice what was really happening earlier, but now I’m going to do what I can to make sure you don’t have to deal with that.”

“But what about Lucy?”

“What about Lucy?”

Alex swallowed around the lump in her throat. “If I’m not there…” She shook her head. “They focus on me, because they know about me. But Lucy is my best friend, so, misapplication of the transitive property, those rumors must be true about her, too. If I’m there, I can act as a buffer between her and them, if I’m not, she gets the full impact.”

Her mother took a deep breath. "I will talk to Lucy's mother. No specific details," she quickly added at Alex's jolting reaction, "just that you're both being bullied, so she can talk to Lucy about it. But I cannot leave you in that environment. I love that you want to protect Lucy, that's part of what makes you you, but I need to protect you."

Alex ducked her head, hoping to hide the tears welling up. Her mother noticed anyway.

"Oh, sweetie," her mother said before moving across the couch and wrapping her arms around Alex.

Alex sunk into the hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Fall Out Boy 'Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying'
> 
> This chapter is one of the first things I've really written with my hc of Alex having adhd in mind, with her rsd coming in strong
> 
> Massive thanks to everyone who left comments, they really mean so much

**Author's Note:**

> updates will be maybe once a week? I've got a few chapters already done, and hope to keep ahead of the game with this one  
> Now, let's see if I actually finish a fic, cause I haven't in ages.
> 
> Massive thanks to the people who let me bother them with questions at all hours of the day about this fic


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